Where Abuse Meets Dignity

Arise, shine, for your light has arrived, and G-d's glory has risen upon you. For, behold, darkness will cover the earth, and dense clouds the peoples; but G-d will arise over you, and His glory will be seen upon you. Nations will come to your light, and kings to the brightness of your rising. Lift up your eyes round about, and see; they are all gathered together, and coming to you; your sons come from far, and your daughters are carried on the hip.

Who are these who fly like clouds, like doves flying to their cotes?

The sons of your oppressors will come bending to you, and all who despised you will bow down at your feet. They will call you, 'The city of G-d, the Zion of the Holy One of Israel.' Though you were forsaken and hated, with no one passing through you, I will make you an eternal majesty, a joy of many generations.

Your sun will no longer set, nor will your moon wane. For G-d will be your everlasting light, and your days of mourning will be ended. Your people will all be righteous; they will possess the land forever; the branch of My planting, the work of My hands, that I may be glorified. The smallest will become a thousand, and the least a mighty nation; I, G-d, will hasten it in its time.

Isaiah 60:1-22 – 6^th Haftorah of the 7 weeks of comfort

As a young child I recall myself scratching a rainy window, praying, crying, that my parents come home. That was the extent of “abandonment” I endured.

That’s why I was utterly shocked, to the point of disbelief, when I first heard about true child abuse.

The first, unnerving time was when one of my students shared with me how she was considered a bit crazy for climbing atop the refrigerator in her home. Or when that didn’t work, under the kitchen table. You see, she was trying to find a way to avoid her incestuous father… She would devise all types of schemes and ruses to avoid sleeping in her bedroom, lest she have to host another one of his nightly visits.

I find it too horrible to imagine a father deliberately exploiting his own child. G-d knows: We all have our temptations, some very difficult to control. We all have our ugly sides, the ones we would rather never expose, even to ourselves. But what twisted psyche would cause a parent to rape his child? It’s totally beyond the scope of any normal distortion.

And then, what was even worse – if that is possible – is the silent mother, ignoring the violation, the atrocity – going about her own merry way, smiling, acquiescing, creating the illusion of normalcy, whining “we are a normal family; no family is perfect,” insisting on “family gatherings” and taking “family pictures” – as if all was just fine and dandy, all the while that the little girl in hell was retreating deeper into a her inner shell, never to return quite the same.

And those Friday night dinners, when the violated child would run with tears from the table of her so-called father’s, oh-so-normal loving Kiddush – sobbing in bed, trying desperately to get someone’s attention, attempting to provoke a protest, only to get slapped yet again as her father would force all her siblings to sing Shabbos songs louder and louder, “come on let me hear your voices,” just in order to drown out her cries in the bedroom…

At first I did not want to believe such things possible. But the mounting evidence, the sincere cries of one adult after another, quickly shattered my “innocent” naiveté. And there I thought I was the savvy guy, understanding life’s tribulations, plumbing the depths of human darkness. Oh boy, was I in for a rude awakening: Until you don’t see the devastating effects of abuse, you have not seen darkness.

Yes, I studied and was aware – and even thought I had a feel – for the heavy shroud that conceals reality, what the Arizal calls the “mystery of the Tzimtzum,” that cosmic black hole, sometimes named the “first tzimtzum” or the “great tzimtzum,” which concealed the conscious presence of the Divine light, allowing for our independent consciousness to arise. I had learned and explored how this “concealment” is the root of existential loneliness, and of all injustice and abuse, feeding the illusions of our self-containment, allowing us to hurt one another and ourselves in the process.

But you don’t know what the “tzimtzum” is until you experience a holocaust – individually or collectively. Until you don’t see an adult trembling like a child when he or she revisits the profound shame and abandonment resulting from one form of abuse or another, you have not seen the “tzimtzum” in its “full glory.” And then, and only then, do you have the humble and sacred right to cry out and demand justice. To challenge G-d and implore of Him: Why?

For, behold, darkness will cover the earth, and dense clouds the peoples.

Darkness is not an intellectual process. It is a gut-wrenching, emotional cry that comes from the innermost depths of an anguished heart, trying, groping, gasping for some air.

“Why was I not loved?” “Did I not deserve love?” “What is the matter with me?”

Every night when the sun sets, how many little girls and boys shrivel up in fear?

For some of us a sunset is a beautiful sight. For many others it is a nightmare beginning to unfold.

Darkness covers the earth. But an even thicker cloud covers people’s perception. As dark as the tzimtzum may be, it doesn’t compare to the density we bring on when we feed into the concealment and amplify its distorted effects.

By no means is this limited to sexual abuse; there are tragically many forms of abuse – psychological, physical, verbal, even religious. Then there are other equally traumatizing experiences – like premature death of a parent, divorce and other jolting tragedies – that shatter the innocence and pure belief of a child’s seamless life.

And yet, the paradox is, that the same G-d we want to “blame” for our problems, is the source of our consolation and hope:

Despite the darkness covering the earth and its peoples, G-d will arise over you, and His glory will be seen upon you.

So --

Arise, shine, for your light has arrived, and G-d's glory has risen upon you… Though you were forsaken and hated, with no one passing through you, I will make you an eternal majesty, a joy of many generations.

And despite the many dark nights that you children endured, your sun will no longer set, nor will your moon wane. For G-d will be your everlasting light, and your days of mourning will be ended.

How is it possible that after enduring so much damage an injured psyche can bounce back?

Answers the prophet, with perhaps the most powerful statement that we will ever hear: Your people are all righteous; they will possess the land forever; the branch of My planting, the work of My hands, in which to take pride.

This is the source of the theme: Birth is G-d saying that you matter. Your very existence is testimony to your indispensability. You are G-d’s flower, the work of His hands – you have an essential contribution to make that no one else but you can fulfill. You and all you do matters now and forever.

No person can ever take that away from you, because no person ever gave it to you, not your parents, not your teachers, not your customers and not your employers.

Human indispensability is the core of human dignity. And this is the antidote – the cure that precedes the damages of abuse:

Of all abuses’ devastating effects the most damaging of all is the violation of human dignity, malchus (see The Destruction and Restoration of Dignity). Causing deep shame, abuse demoralizes the human spirit and strips a person of his G-d-given birthright – the sense of self-value and self-esteem.

Tells us the verse, that no matter how much abuse a person has endured, despite the darkness that consumes him, his inherent Divine dignity is never destroyed; it can only be forced to run for cover, but it can never be annihilated. Arise, shine, for your light has arrived, and G-d's glory (kovod, malchus) has risen upon you. For, behold, darkness will cover the earth, and dense clouds the peoples; but G-d will arise over you, and His glory will be seen upon you. {As a result} Your people are all righteous; the branch of My planting, the work of My hands, in which to take pride.

You are never negligible.

And thus – The smallest will become a thousand, and the least a mighty nation.

We may however think, “ok I may come out stronger as I discover my inner malchus, but I have lost so many years crying, retreating, not living up to my potential? How can that ever be retrieved? Will I ever realize the purpose of my life and make a contribution to the world, or will I be in a perpetual state of healing?” Some point out, that survivors often become so consumed with themselves, compensating for all the lost time when their identities were annihilated, that in the process of healing they have no time to think about anyone or anything else, let alone how to help others and the world around them.

Says the Haftorah:

Nations will come to your light, and kings to the brightness of your rising. Lift up your eyes round about, and see; they are all gathered together, and coming to you; your sons come from far, and your daughters are carried on the hip. The sons of your oppressors will come bending to you, and all who despised you will bow down at your feet. They will call you, 'The city of G-d, the Zion of the Holy One of Israel.'

Your malchus dignity (rooted in G-d’s glory) will not just empower you individually, but will also allow you to influence your environment and society. Nations will come to your light, and kings to the brightness of your rising. The redemption of violated dignity is not merely its restoration; it can and must also affect the world around us.

However, for this to happen you must lift up your eyes round about, and see; they are all gathered together, and coming to you. An oppressed spirit is often weary, “just let me be, I have suffered enough; allow me now to just relax in comfort.” But the inner dignity of your soul is not silent; it does not allow you to just lick your wounds and wallow in self-pity: Arise, shine, for your light has arrived.. G-d’s glory will be seen upon you.. Lift up your eyes round about, and see; they are all gathered together, and coming to you. Your friends are waiting, your community is waiting, nations, kings and the world are all waiting for you to rise to the occasion and illuminate your surroundings with your unique light.

And what better time to begin than in the final days of the year 5768? As we prepare for the New Year and the new unprecedented energy/light that it will bring, now is the bets time to set our minds, align our hearts and mobilize our actions to begin new and perhaps revolutionary initiatives that will shine into the universe with our unique light.

Should we however slightly falter, we have the Divine promise: I, G-d, will hasten it in its time.