When Innocence Meets Vice
But Zion said: “G-d has forsaken me; my
G-d has forgotten me.” [G-d replies] Can a woman ever forget
her nursing child; cease to have compassion on the son of
her womb?! Yes, they may forget; yet I will not forget you!
Behold, I have engraved you on the palms of My hands… Your
children hurry; your destroyers and those who laid you waste
will emerge from you.
Lift up your eyes round about, and see:
They all gather together to come to you…The children
that were born in exile will again say in your ears: 'The
place is too narrow for us; make room for us to dwell in.'
Then you will say in your heart: 'Who has given me these?
I had lost my children, and was childless, exiled, and wandering
to and fro. Who has brought these up? Behold, I was left
alone; from where have these come?'… Even the captives
of the mighty will be free, and the prey of the tyrant rescued;
for I will save your children – This week’s
Haftorah (Isaiah 49:14-25)
How do we explain to our children corruption, hypocrisy,
deception – and all the dissonance pervading the adult
world? What should we say to our little ones when they are
exposed, for the first time, to immoral educators, abusive
parents, religious corruption and the basic inconsistencies
they witness when supposedly good people behave in bad ways
and when hurt comes from those that are supposed to love
Various schools of thoughts suggest different approaches.
Most agree that there is no need to initiate the subject
with children until they broach it with us. Though there
are those that suggest we do pre-empt the issue before children
are faced with the quandary.
Some argue, that we should simply tell children the truth:
We live in a cruel and hostile world, filled with selfish
people, and humans are simply duplicitous by nature. According
to this approach, children are just simply naïve, and when
the time comes for them to grow up – when they first
experience a lie – the time has come to “welcome”
them into the spurious adult community of liars and hypocrites.
“Lies My Father Told Me” was a popular film
that captured the common attitude that adults lie to their
Within this approach, there are those that go as far as
to say that the earlier we wake up children to the harsh
“realities” of life the better it is. Let them
not live in delusion about the human capacity to harm one
At the other extreme are those that suggest we should simply
ignore the issue and avoid answering our children’s
questions and addressing their confusion. “What’s
the point of telling them about the deceptive world,”
the argument goes, “when they will learn about it
on their own?” Let children discover through their
own experiences the contradictions of life, and adapt accordingly.
Then there are those that posit an approach of… lying
to our children about the liars of the world. As ironic
as that sounds, this philosophy (if you can even call it
that) states that when out children come to us with questions
about cheating clergy or corrupt educators, we should minimize
the issue by telling them that in every community there
are a few “bad apples,” which should not be
allowed to stigmatize the entire community. We should weaken
the blow to our children’s systems and blunt their
disappointment by downplaying the problem.
As you can imagine, I am not about to accept any of these
three tactics. The Torah approach – which I will try
to convey in this column – rejects all these three
Lying to our children, even in the name of protecting them,
is not a healthy option. Obviously, we don’t have
to go ahead and tell our children the raw truth about every
tragedy in life; but withholding information until a person
is mature enough to assimilate it, is a far cry from outright
On the other hand, bluntly telling our children about the
cruelty and duplicity of people can be quite terrifying,
and does not necessarily prepare them for coping with this
quandary. Is there any benefit in destroying children’s
idealistic view of life, by explaining that all humans are
selfish and warning our children to always be wary and on
guard?! A strong case can be made that this “realism”
is actually quite damaging to human growth. Without idealism,
without the ability to dream and aspire, without hope, without
enchantment and free abandon, what type of people would
Our greatest achievements come from our childish purity,
virtue and innocence. When coupled with the seasoning and
experience of adulthood – the combination of maturity
and vulnerability, of wisdom and fascination is one of the
most potent forces in life. All the most powerful breakthroughs
and revolutions come from people who did not succumb to
the status quo, who did not accept that everything is corruptible,
who believed in themselves and in others.
Is that what we want to take from our children, by overwhelming
them with the fear and hesitation that comes from knowing
that all our heroes are cheaters, and that all the people
we respect will ultimately disappoint us?!
A friend of mine proudly shared with me recently how he
finally broke the news to his child that he should never
trust anyone. “I always waited for the day that can
share that truth with my child,” he told me, “now
he will never be hurt and disappointed due to unmet expectations.”
Knowing how my friend was hurt by people he trusted his
attitude was understandable. But he was absolutely wrong.
And I told him as much. He was wrong, because as painful
as it is to be hurt by people you trust, it is even more
painful to never allowing yourself to find someone you can
Where will there ever be room for love, true intimate love,
if we all are taught that all people are unfaithful –
either in actuality or in potential – and that we
should therefore always have our defenses up and keep a
“back door open” in case wee need to escape?!
So the first and last options are unacceptable. As is the
middle option of simply ignoring and avoiding the issue.
What benefit is served by not answering our children’s
concerns? Is it better that they find the answers in the
street, on TV or in places that we would rather not even
What is the role of parents and educators if not to address
the conflicts of a growing child facing life’s paradoxes
– with the ultimate paradox of good people behaving
badly, and the struggle of preserving one’s integrity
amidst those that do not, of being a good person amongst
Is there a more important question to be answered than
the one emerging from innocence colliding with deviousness,
honesty confronting deceit, seamlessness meeting duplicity?
Before we address the Torah’s approach, one vital
introduction is necessary. And that is about the very nature
of human beings.
If we humans are truly selfish “brutes” at
heart, who have merely evolved into intelligent creatures,
then taking this to the logical conclusion, people will
do whatever it takes, cheat, lie, betray, to get what they
This, in essence, is the prevailing contemporary theory
on human personality – one which we shall coin the
“Darwinian-Freudian model.” The cardinal rule
that drives all creatures, including humans, is “survival
of the fittest.” The “Id” is the inherent
selfish force within each of us, the primal, unconscious
source for satisfying all mans' basic needs and feelings.
It has only one rule: The “pleasure principle:”
“I want it and I want it all now.” The id wants
whatever feels good at the time, with no consideration for
the reality of the situation or the good of others. Yet,
we have developed the rational “ego” and super-ego”
which superimposes itself on the unbridled id. The Ego's
job is to get the Id's pleasures but to be reasonable and
bear the long-term consequences in mind. In Freud’s
words: the human personality is “...basically a battlefield.
He is a dark-cellar in which a well-bred spinster lady (the
superego) and a sex-crazed monkey (the id) are forever engaged
in mortal combat, the struggle being refereed by a rather
nervous bank clerk (the ego).”
Based on this human model, we inevitably have to face the
depressing reality that all people are capable at anytime
to stoop to duplicity if it serves their self-interest.
What then do we do with young, innocent children who are
not yet aware of this “sophisticated” fact?
We see them as naïve and simple, and at best, we hope that
they won’t be exposed to the “true” secret
of life – the “truth” that people are
just untruthful and untrustworthy…
Well, I am happy to share with you that there is “another”
approach – one that is diametrically and unequivocally
opposite of the one you just read. It is based on the Torah’s
human model, which sees us as fundamentally as people created
in the “Divine Image.” We are first and foremost,
and at heart, not brutes or beasts, but souls and spirits.
Yet each of our souls was send down into a material world,
dressed up in a physical body, with corporeal needs.
The soul’s radical and dramatic descent from sublime heights
to decadent depths – which in itself is an elaborate study
in Kabbalistic and Chassidic literature – creates the first
and most powerful dissonance (originating in the great “tzimtzum”
discussed last week), which will bear all other forms of
dissonance in our lives, from the mildest to the most extreme
We thus have two perpetual voices within us: The voice
of the Divine soul aspiring to a selfless life of virtue,
and the voice of the selfish body seeking to meet its needs;
the subtle voice of the spirit in search for higher meaning
and purpose, and the voice of the material desperate for
survival and immediate comforts
We thus also have a lifelong conflict: Which voice will
Above all – and this is the most fascinating and empowering
fact: Precisely this battle between soul and body is the
purpose of our existence. Each of us has been charged with
the mission and the resources to overcome the selfish temptations
and allow our souls to direct our bodies, rather than the
other way around.
And this is our ultimate response to dissonance –
in all its shapes and configurations: We were given duplicity
in our existence in order for us to overcome it, and transform
it into a force toward unity.
Based on this human model, how do we look at our innocent
children? As vast reservoirs of truth! Of all people on
this earth children, as vulnerable, pure creatures that
they are, still retain and carry the secret “truth”
of existence: Beneath the dissonant; dishonest surface lays
profound unity and seamlessness, waiting to be released.
A pure soul manifested in a selfish body is the conflict
and purpose of our lives
Armed with this attitude, we have a most powerful –
can we say eloquent, under the circumstances? – response
to the questions our children ask about corruption and deception
in all its manifestations.
When the day comes that our children are old enough to
be confused by the dissonance around us, and they approach
us with their questions, here are some words that we can
offer. Perhaps it’s best to phrase it in a letter
My Dear Child,
As pure and delicate as your precious soul is, I want to
share with you an important – maybe the most important
– thing that you will ever hear in your life; it may
be a bit painful, but above all it is empowering:
G-d sent you and I, and everyone in this world, down to
a not such nice world. A universe where G-d’s presence
is concealed, and G-d’s plan for us is not easily
seen. In this type of world it is not difficult for people
to wander away from what they were charged to do. Instead
of pursuing virtue and kindness, we can sometimes get distracted
by our own needs and interests. Instead of fulfilling the
“operators’ manual” for life which G-d
gave us, we can get busy with other side attractions.
But, please know, my dearest child, this is exactly what
G-d intended. He gave us a challenge. Will we follow our
hearts’ desires and satisfy our immediate needs, or
will we see through the concealment and live up to our true
selves? Will we be fooled and seduced by the darkness, or
will we bring in light and warmth? Will we ignore everyone
around us, or will we work on inspiring everyone we meet?
G-d entrusted us with His world. And gave us this choice.
Every moment of our lives we will be confronted with this
choice. As children the struggle may take on the shape of
how we share or don’t share with our friends. As adults
the conflict takes on other forms.
Sadly, people often succumb to their baser instincts and
do things that is not consistent with their souls. Sometimes
they may even know that they are doing things that are inconsistent
with their own values. All of us have a yetzer hara
(a selfish inclination); none of us are immune to these
But always know, that just because others have fallen,
you don’t have to. Always remember that you have the
power to rise to the occasion and live up to your soul’s
highest aspirations. And you have the ability to also help
lift others who may have fallen.
As a child, you have something to give us adults that we
desperately need: hope. You give us trust, beauty, innocence
– and we in turn want to give you love and nurturing,
strength and power to use your purity to conquer the world
with spirit and soul.
“The hearts of the parents will return through the children,”
the prophet tells us. But we adults and parents have to
allow our children in. This also refers to the “inner child”
within each of us. Never allow it to be extinguished.
As the prophet states in this week’s Haftorah –
which carries many of the points stated above, and would
be worthwhile studying this week – I will save
Even when we experience dissonance all around us
and we feel that “G-d has forsaken me; my G-d has forgotten
me,” we are promised: “I will not forget you,”
even if our mothers and fathers may forget us. “Even
the captives of the mighty will be free, and the prey of
the tyrant rescued; for I will save your children.”
“For G-d has comforted Zion. He has comforted all her waste
places, and has made her wilderness like Eden, and her desert
like G-d's garden. Joy and gladness will be found there,
thanksgiving, and the voice of song.”
I will save your children. Now that is a promise worth