Silence and Words
At an open grave one does not console. The sheer pain is
too intense, the open wound too fragile. Thus, I could not
bring myself to pontificate and write about last week’s
horrific murder of Leiby Kletzky a”h.
But now as we conclude the seven-day shiva period, perhaps
some words are in order – despite the fact that the tragedy
and its aftershocks have not abated.
Indeed, just like there is a time to be silent there is
also a time to speak. Because we Jews have learned that
we don’t ask “why;” we ask “what.” When it comes to “why”
– why terrible things happen – we are silent; but when it
comes to “what” – what can we do – then we have much to
say.
We may never know why a little innocent boy had to make
the wrong turn and meet the wrong man – if one can call
him that – only to be torn away from his family in such
a brutal manner, forever. But as much as we do not know
why, we do know with absolute certainty that we can and
must do something about it.
So just as silence is necessary in acknowledging the total
mystery and shock of the tragedy, words are equally necessary
to address, explore and discuss what we ought to do.
As Maimonides writes, “when a calamity strikes the
public we must see it as a result of our evil actions. We
must cry out, examine our lives and correct our ways. To
say that the calamity is merely a natural phenomenon and
a chance occurrence is insensitive and cruel” (Laws
of Fasting 1:2-3).
Maimonides’ words do not mean that we should be pointing
fingers and looking to blame someone (besides the perpetrator)
for the calamity, but that we should be looking into our
own hearts and souls and seeing how we can correct our ways.
[Go here
for a longer article on this topic]. In Leiby's case --
a child from a very loving family -- it means that our society
as a whole has to undergo a deep soul searching to understand
what we are doing wrong that would allow such horror, and
what we can do to remedy the roots of the problem.
Grief alone is not enough. As the prophet states about
these sad days that punctuate the Three Weeks: These days
will be transformed into joy and gladness and holidays
(Zechariah 8:19. Maimonides end of Laws of Fasting). Eliminating
these tragic days will not do. They must be transformed
to good.
You see, grief is a very powerful force, releasing enormous
amounts of energy, perhaps even greater than that which
is released through joy. As such, if we allow our grief
to take control then evil will have prevailed. We therefore
are compelled to channel the vast power of grief into positive
action – that is as intense as the very anguish itself.
As such the pain becomes a catalyst, propelling us to something
enormously powerful. Think of the pain and tears as water
that nourishes and nurtures the seeds for growth.
Should the heartache ultimately outshine and overshadow
the growth, evil would have won. And we cannot allow that.
Therefore, this calamity must drive us to change the world
for the good. And in an even more dramatic fashion than
Levi Aron’s monstrous act changed the world for the bad.
Nothing less will do.
Turning Grief into Action
How can we possibly transform Leiby’s gruesome death into
a positive force?
By taking all our rage, our bloodcurdling cries, and mobilizing
them towards driving a revolution.
What type of revolution?
A revolution that is a direct outgrowth of this particular
tragedy. A parallel positive to counter the horrible negative.
Jews redeem the negative – not by running away from it or
dwelling on it, but by returning to the same spot where
the damage took place- yet this time repairing the damage.
Maimonides writes (Laws of Teshuvah 2:1) that true teshuvah
(return) occurs when “a person who confronts the same situation
in which he sinned when he has the potential to commit [the
sin again], and, nevertheless, abstains and does not commit
it because of his teshuvah alone and not because of fear
or a lack of strength.”
When you are faced with the same conditions in which you
transgressed, and this time you do what is right – that
is true healing.
Where did the unspeakable damage take place in Leiby’s
case? In the unforgivable snuffing out of a pure and innocent
child’s life. The healing and redemption must therefore
come through its diametric opposite: saving our children.
The State of our Children
I once asked a sociologist friend what criteria he uses
to determine the value of a particular society. His answer:
standard of living, per capita income, health care, respect
of human rights. By these standards our society today is
ranked highest in all of history.
By contrast, the Torah has one criterion that determines
the level of a society: the welfare of our children. The
Torah’s central focus in virtually every mitzvah, Shabbat
and holidays, orbits around our children: Teach your children;
When your child will ask, Answer. Children – our future,
our legacy – are our single most valuable commodity. By
that standard – the welfare of our children – our society
may be one of the lowest in the ratings. Certainly not in
the top tiers.
Our children today are under attack. They are neglected,
ignored, left to fend for themselves, without healthy role
models and mentors. Television and media – with its fantasies
and superstars – have become the babysitters and paragons
for our children.
Just look around: many children grow up in broken and dysfunctional
families. The level of social anxiety and misery is at unprecedented
heights. Witness the amounts of money and time spent on
therapy and other interventions to heal our fractured psyches.
How much of that can be traced back to our fractured childhoods?
Some of you may feel that I am exaggerating and the situation
is not as ominous as I am describing. You are entitled,
but ask yourselves: Are children happy today? All newborns
are born happy, but is that true about, say, ten year olds?
15 year olds? And besides, when it comes to our most precious
commodity, our future, isn’t it better to err on the side
of caution, to cherish and protect our children more than
necessary, instead of the other way around?
There is no doubt that our highly materialistic and me-centered
society is taking its toll on our most vulnerable: Our children.
When people are consumed with their own needs, with power,
money, acquisition, self-indulgence, the first to suffer
are their children. Self-focus deprives our children from
receiving their single most vital source of sustenance:
Attention and love.
And what happens to a child deprived of nurturing? The
same thing that happens to a flower deprived of water. It
withers. It gets desperate – it gasps for breath, desperate
to find some nourishment, some love, healthy or not, to
feed its parched soul…
We don’t have to wait for outright abuse and molestation
to see the damaging effects of neglected children. Remember
the rule: All unhealthy behavior is rooted in much subtler
forms of abandonment before it blows up into overt abuse.
When children are not cared for, a vacuum is created. And
we know nature’s attitude to vacuums. Nature abhors a vacuum.
All predators thrive in vacuums.
A vacuum, on its own, seems quite innocuous. And in its
early stages it waits quietly, dormant, seeming not to bother
anyone. But it creates fertile ground for the most dangerous
of forces. First a child is neglected. Then a defenseless
child is abandoned. And then we wonder how that child got
hurt.
Save Our Children
The opposite end of the spectrum of a child being hurt
is a child being helped; a child being saved.
Leiby’s death was the epitome of betrayal - a defenseless
child left to the wolves. And the horrific manner of his
death, only amplifies the betrayal.
Just to be clear: Leiby was not betrayed by his parents.
They are the most wonderful, loving parents any child could
dream of. Just listen to the words of Leiby’s brokenhearted
father at the funeral…
He was betrayed by society. By an environment in which
children can be hurt. By a world that allows predators to
thrive.
This tragic story is not about blaming any one individual;
it’s about shedding light on the larger picture; on the
general status of our children today. We ought to be looking
for the bigger lessons, the deeper messages. As cited earlier
from Maimonides: a tragedy behooves us to look into ourselves
and our own lives.
The only thing that can counter the horror of children
being hurt, is an even greater effort to save our children.
So here is what we can do:
We must once and for all declare war against any form of
child abuse, child neglect, child molestation.
But this is not just a war “against”. This is a war “for”.
For loving our children. For cherishing our children. For
hugging and kissing them a million times a day. For making
sure that wherever they go – to school, to camp, for a walk
on the street – they are absolutely safe and cared for,
protected against any predator, abuser or molester.
Loving our children with such vigilance helps prevent vacuums
from emerging. With every vacuum eliminated, there is less
fertile ground for predators to feed off.
World War III
We have fought many battles and waged many wars throughout
history. The 20th century was home to the two
bloodiest wars in all of time.
Now, at the dawn of the 21st century let us
wage one final war. Call it World War III. But unlike all
its predecessors, this war is an offensive one – a war for
our children’s pure souls.
Our battle today is with complacency borne out of comfort
and prosperity. Our freedoms and luxuries (which are a true
blessing) allow us to become apathetic and take our blessings,
beginning with our greatest blessing – our children – for
granted. Our war today is to generate a sense of urgency
from within, a laser-focused effort to put our children
on center stage where they belong.
Leiby’s death should wake us up that enough is enough.
Enough of adults indulging in their own needs, leaving children
vulnerable, victims in their wake, undefended and unprotected.
Enough minimizing and pushing our children’s hurt under
the rug.
Enough sitting by as schools and camps become environments
where children can be harmed.
Enough of broken and dysfunctional homes, battlefields
where children are left to be slaughtered.
Enough is enough.
Let us reclaim their innocent souls. Let us make sure that
our children always know how much they are cared for and
cherished.
Before putting your children to bed, and upon their awakening,
make an extra effort to hug and embrace your child. During
your busy day, find some way to reach out to your child,
spontaneously. These are but two simple suggestions. When
we apply ourselves, we will surely find many more ways to
nurture our children, our flowers, our gardens.
Friends, please share you ideas and suggestions by commenting
on this article. We will be happy to post your suggestions
for the benefit of others.
This is a war that each of us can and should wage and be
a part of. No need for training and special techniques.
And wage the war for our children with passion – with at
least as much, if not even more intensity than the grief
of Leiby’s abduction and brutal murder.
Keep your eyes open. Should you even suspect that a child
is being compromised or hurt, say something, do something.
Every school and camp, every day care center and playgroup,
every place where children congregate, should appoint a
discreet marshal who is trained and experienced to detect
any form of abuse and predatory behavior, and nip it in
the bud before it conflagrates. [Go here
for more on this].
Let us declare war against any predator or potential predator,
by declaring loudly and unequivocally, for all to know,
that we accept nothing less than a new zero tolerance policy.
Predators beware: Your life – not your victim’s – will be
destroyed should you ever touch a child. Potential predators
of the world be on guard: Know that we are watching - all
eyes are trained and focused on you.
Predators thrive in darkness. As soon as you shine the
light, many will think twice before acting.
Like a burglar alarm, awareness and shining the light is
not a guarantee, but a powerful deterrent. Should you ever
touch a child inappropriately, your life will be seriously
affected. You will be ostracized. You will be exposed. Your
family, your wife, your friends and community will be made
aware of who you are. The shidduchim of your children
will be at risk.
Obviously, this needs to be done responsibly (see Exposing
Abuse). But we’ve had enough cover-ups and denial.
It’s time to move the fear and shame to the perpetrators
and away from the victims. Instead of the victims cowering,
let the predators cower.
We must declare full-fledged war and publicly announce
that if one has a problem around children, if one cannot
control his inclinations – then he must seek professional
help. Wives of predators must cease being silent enablers
and accomplices.
Sexual abuse of children is not a “game” or child’s play;
it destroys lives. It affects a person’s entire futures,
haunting him or her forever. It complicates and distorts
– and often ruins – future relationships.
Touching a child inappropriately changes the child’s life
forever…
Our Parting Words to Leiby
Let us be able to look into the eyes of Leiby’s soul and
tell him: Your death will be avenged. Your death was not
in vain. Your death was the final nail in the coffin of
child neglect and child abuse.
Your death has mobilized us all in a war – the final war
– against anyone and anything that will ever hurt a child
again.
Your death was the beginning of a new era that will, at
long last, finally abolish from this earth even one hurting
child!
Yes it has come to this: A declaration of war.
Total and absolute war.
Nothing less will do. Nothing else will suffice.
G-d, our Father in Heaven, we are ready to do our part.
We beseech you, please do Yours. Comfort us all among the
mourners of Zion and Jerusalem. And above all, help us eradicate
all form of hurt and abuse from the face of this earth.
---------
Here is a series of groundbreaking articles
on the related topic of child abuse:
The
Destruction and Restoration of Dignity
Comfort
My People
Protect
Our Children
Child
Abuse
Exposing
Abuse
Time
to Sing
Arise
and Shine
