Rediscovering the True Essence of Love

Love—a word that dances off our tongues with ease, yet carries within it a depth often misunderstood and distorted in our modern lives. We find ourselves confusing love with needs for security, validation, comfort, nurturing, and intimacy. The conflation of love with sex has further muddied the waters, leading many to believe they are interchangeable. But love and sex, though they may intersect, are two distinct realms. You can experience one without the other. This confusion is evident when people declare their undying love, only to find themselves in divorce court a few years later, ready to tear each other apart. Was their love an illusion, or was it something else entirely?

The Roots of Real Love

To understand love in its purest form, we must first strip away the layers of our insecurities, infatuations, and fantasies. In our search for love, we often latch onto others, hoping they will save us or fill a void within us. This kind of love acts more like a drug, masking our real issues. The animal kingdom doesn’t face these complexities; they follow an instinctual clock, fulfilling their roles without the need for self-help books or romantic guides.

Learning from Nature and Our Inner Child

Nature offers us a pristine example of unadulterated existence. No human hand created the natural order, making it an undeniable source of purity. Just as we can’t argue with the sun’s rise, we can’t dispute the natural behaviors of animals. Observing them can teach us about the inherent simplicity and purity of life.

Similarly, we can look within ourselves, especially to our childhood. Children, in their purest form, exhibit the basic elements of human nature. They need love and respond to it without the layers of sophistication or distortion that adults acquire. When children are deprived of love, it profoundly impacts their future relationships. How we were loved—or not loved—as children shapes our ability to love as adults.

The Month of Elul: A Time for Introspection

Every year, the month of Elul provides us with a unique opportunity for soul-searching and self-alignment. The word "Elul" itself means "search" in Aramaic, signifying a time for deep introspection. The Torah advises us to appoint judges and law enforcers at our gates—our eyes, ears, nostrils, and mouth. These gates connect us to the world, and by monitoring what enters and exits, we can protect our inner purity.

The Impact of Modern Stimuli

In today’s world, we are bombarded with stimuli—advertisements, social media, and constant notifications assault our senses. This over-stimulation can affect us in ways we can’t even quantify. For instance, studies have shown that by age 20, the average American has seen over a million advertisements. These subliminal messages shape our perceptions and desires, often distorting our understanding of love.

Redefining Love: Beyond Needs and Transcendence

To redefine love, we must first understand what it is not. Love is not merely a compensation for our needs. When love is driven by the need for security or validation, it becomes conditional. True love, as described in the Tanya, is the transcendence of spirit over matter. It is the ability to give rather than take, to go beyond oneself and love something outside of oneself. This form of love originates from the love of God and is not driven by our own needs.

Challenges and Growth

Achieving this level of love is challenging, especially if we are insecure. Secure individuals can coexist with others without feeling threatened, allowing them to experience transcendence. However, those who have been fighting for security all their lives may find it difficult to search for transcendence.

The Interplay of Love and Like

In relationships, we often distinguish between love and like. We might love our family members but not always like them. This distinction can also apply to our relationship with God. During the time of Moses, the Israelites built the golden calf, betraying God. Moses pleaded for forgiveness, highlighting the deep love between God and His people. However, God might have loved them but didn’t like their behavior. This story teaches us that love is enduring, but it must be nurtured with the right behavior and tools.

Tools for Expressing Love

Love is a natural faculty of the heart, a powerful force within us. However, we need tools to express it healthily. These tools are often shaped by our early experiences. If we develop unhealthy habits, our ability to love can become distorted. The Torah guides us not only to unlearn these unhealthy habits but also to access and align ourselves with true, healthy love.

The Journey to True Love

The journey to true love is not easy, but it is possible. It requires us to dig deep within ourselves, to understand the forces at play, and to develop new tools for expressing love. This journey is not just about achieving a state of love but about experiencing something beyond ourselves.

Love, in its truest form, is a transcendent force that connects us to the divine. It’s about giving, about going beyond our own needs, and about finding a deeper connection with the world around us. As we embark on this journey during the month of Elul, let us strive to realign ourselves with this pure, transcendent love.

For more insights, you can watch Rabbi Simon Jacobson’s video on this topic here.